Just Sorry.

          Hmmm, how to start? Yes, I have read what you wrote and I completely understand how you feel. You may have written it in a way that it wouldn't sound or look like you're saying it directly to me, but i know what you're trying to tell or let me know.

          I'm sorry if things didn't work out between the two of you. I'm sorry if you felt like he left or turned his back on you for someone like me. And i'm sorry if you are hurt, sad or crying over what has happened. I never meant to intrude or break him apart from you. But to state a fact, even before he and I became close, he already felt that there was nothing to hope or wait for..He may not be my first boyfriend, but he makes me really happy.

          The reason why I'm saying that i completely understand you is because i have felt the same thing before. That feeling that you love a person who is in love with someone else. Yes, i've been hurt before and the process of moving on kills, not physically, but emotionally and spiritually. It makes you think of things like not being good enough, the things you've done to make him leave, or simply just feeling alone because your heart is breaking and it's hopeless and no one will understand what you're going through. It's hard, but eventually it will pass. You may forgive, but i know you won't forget.

          I may not be in the position to say anything, but i didn't mean to hurt you. I know that you have blocked us from Facebook, and it's okay. It's your choice anyway. I also know that you have friends who look after us and know every detail of your side of the story, because i have received new followers. But just so you know, i have tried to make him talk to you to settle things, but he insists that you're mad and there's no point of trying to sort things out.

          You have the right to be mad. You have the right to be angry. You have the right to be upset. And you also have the right to be bitter. I don't mean to sound negative, but that's what i think you are when i read your blogs. Yes, i'm a fan of your writing. I find the things you write about very interesting. In fact, i envy you, because you write very well.

          Anyway, you may find the things i'm writing stupid, mean and heartbreaking, but i'm just expressing what i feel. Like you said, it's a free country. If you get hurt from what you're seeing or reading, then just simply stop. No one's forcing you to know everything about him and me anyway. It will always be your choice. But just a piece of advice, clinging to the past won't help you move on. It will just keep everything worse because you still hold on to something that's no longer worth holding to. So, learn to let go. The process may be long, but for sure all these things will lead you to something good and more than what you actually deserve or hope for. God has plans for everyone. So once again, i'm really sorry.

Worth A Thousand Words? Or More?

WHAT'S THE BUZZ?

          Lately, this picture had been the talk of our friends, classmates, schoolmates, and even professors. Seriously, what's wrong with this? People had been asking me and my close friend if we are together like boyfriend-girlfriend. Honestly, do we look like we are in this??? O.o

          The truth is, we're not. He and I are just very close friends. We treat each other in a special way, but no strings attached. But what makes me wonder is... Why does everyone make this picture such a big deal? Obviously, it made a huge hit on Facebook and people suddenly asks and teases us. Even those whom I haven't talked to ever since approached and asked. There's not one day that I wasn't teased to him. Sometimes I just want to say "we're together" even if we're not just to make them stop.

          But despite of all these recent issues and happenings, i'm very much happy. My studies are doing great, my condition's becoming better, i have opportunities in line, and i have a bestfriend (the guy in the picture) who's always there for me. :)

I just hope everything goes well in the coming days, weeks and years.:)

Lucky I'm In Love With My Bestfriend

          There are times that when I feel so much happiness, I tend to write in the most crappy way. So now, I'd say sorry before anything else. If there'd be such grammatical errors, it only means that I'm too overwhelmed writing that part. ;))

June 10, 2013

          It was raining. Just what I wanted. :) A close friend and I decided to meet up for the first time to watch a movie and eat out. Our plan was to meet at Gateway Mall around 10am, then go together to SM City North Edsa, (Because I didn't know how to commute going there.) for the movie. We kinda went mall-hopping. Haha. =)) Anyway, the moment I saw him, all I wanted was to reach out and hug him so tight. And so did he. :) It lasted for only about 3 to 5 seconds, but the feeling lasted like forever. :) I missed him terribly. I don't know why. Unexplainable is some way. But yeah. :"> He was kinda tired from his trip going to Gateway Mall. FYI, he went all the way from Caloocan and his trip took him almost two hours because of the traffic and the rain as well. :| So, we decided to sit for a while at the food court. We chat, laugh, and stare at each other. (Weird, huh?) But we're happy. :)

          At around 12nn, we finally went off to SM City North Edsa. We took the bus. He told me some things he and his friends do whenever riding the bus. How they trick the ticket officer which result to them not paying for the fare; how they offer seats to ladies or old people who happen to get on the bus just when every seat was already taken, and so much more. He has this way of telling stories like you're actually in it. And I love it when he never ran out of things to tell or say. :))

          We arrived at SM North and the first thing we did was look for a place to eat, because he's hungry already. We walked and walked and walked. And finally, he decided to eat at Tokyo Tokyo. Honestly, I wasn't hungry yet during that time, but he ordered a lot. I kinda felt guilty 'coz i didn't eat much. And it was such a waste for my part. He did finish his, but mine looked like only half was eaten. :|

          So anyway, after we ate, we went to the movies. We watched Bangkok Haunted 4. Yes, a horror film. Why? Coz we had a dare. =)) Hahaha. :)) Well, the movie wasn't scary at all, but there were parts where you'd really wince because of the sound effects. And whenever i get creeped out, i'd hit him in the arm. Hahaha. =)) Poor arm. He might have got marks because of my slaps. XD We did enjoy it, but we regret watching it. Waste of money. Should have watched "Now You See Me".

          Qaulity time! We went around the mall with no particular place to go to. Just walked and walked and walked.Talked and talked and talked. I had so much fun with him. I wanted the day not to last. But sadly, all good things come to an end. :( We rode the bus again going back to Gateway Mall and he walked me to the terminal where I'd take the jeepney going home. Before I left, I gave him something. I hope he liked it. :)

          And so, future plans are yet to come. :)) I'm just so happy. :) I'd like to thank him for taking me out. It was such a date to remember.

THANK YOU, BES. :">

You know how lucky I am to have you. <3

Your Love Is Everything

          Despite all the problems and changes I have had, God continues to bless me with so much more. It is definitely true what everyone says. He's always good. He doesn't ignore or abandon us. He always has the time to listen to all of our prayers. He may not answer them right away, but for sure He has plans. He always does. We just have to wait for the moment to come, when the time is right. I've never been this thankful all my life. Maybe because I've been thinking, what have I done so good and rewarding that I deserve all these? Overwhelming happiness, unconditional love, strong family, great friends and fulfilled contentment. What more could I ask for? All together, everything's just so perfect.

THANK YOU LORD... JUST FOR LOVING ME. :)

Hello, June.

          Happy June 1st! :D Honestly, what's with the month of June? It makes me feel weirdly overwhelmed, excited and great! =)) I woke up expecting a call... That actually never came due to "expected" circumstances. -_- Well, phone battery drainage happens all the time. Besides, he's not even home. He's at his friend's house. Effortwise, (Is there such a word?) he posted a message on my Facebook saying wake up in all caps. As if that would wake and separate me from my oh-so-comfy bed. Hahaha. =))

(Photo taken from the Internet)

          But anyway, June makes me think of cold and wet. Why? Because it's officially the start of the rainy season! :D I love rain. It's my favorite weather. I'd exchange summer for it. :) But yeah. Not everyone would like something like that. Of course, summer means going to the beach, getting tan and having dips in the pool. Something, I'm limited to.

But, enough of summer. It's Juuuuune! =))

(Photo taken from the Internet)

          Almost two weeks from now, classes would start again. :) Excited? Verrrrrry! =)) That feeling of realizing that i'm one year away from graduating and getting a degree is just... WOW. :) I miss my friends and classmates. I miss being at school. I miss being stressed. (I know i'll regret that soon.) I miss wearing my uniform. I miss everything about it. Can't wait to experience everything all again. :D

          As of the moment, i get to enjoy one of my hobbies once again. Playing the guitar.:D It was highschool when i last played the guitar. What I mean by play is that actually learning and performing songs. And right now, i'm trying this one out:

"Try" - Jayesslee Cover (Originally by Pink)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PNUJcyxRAp4

I love the melody. And the chords are easy and repetitive. :))

(Photo taken from the Internet)

          By the way, i now have a SoundCloud. :) Yes, i just joined a community of artists. Hahaha. =)) Just "feeling" like one, but not actually a good one. But anyway, feel free to visit it whenever there's time. But I warn you. I'm not a good singer, nor a good player of any musical instrument. So please, bear my song covers. Hahaha. =))

Here's the link to my soundcloud:

https://soundcloud.com/angelicabaracena

Happy listening! :)

Through It All Just Stand Up

          It's been a year and so since I was diagnosed with an illness. Normally, I don't feel comfortable whenever I talk about this. But I guess, the reason why i'm writing this now is the thought that eventually, everyone will know.

          It was on the 28th day of January, year 2012, when the results came out. Yeah... My 20th birthday. Surprise! What a great way of celebrating and embracing the breakthrough of my teenage years. It was just so heartbreaking to hear everything straight from my doctor. And while all the information are thrown right into my face, one question was all I can think about... WHY ME?

          So before anything else, let me tell you a brief background of what caused all this drama. SLE or Systemic Lupus Erythematosus hit me like a big yellow school bus. Okay... Maybe I'm being too exaggerated there, but that would be a good analogy to express what I felt the moment I knew.

          Out of curiosity and frustration, I kinda made some research about it. Thanks to modern technology and Google, it became easier to absorb and understand everything. According to Medline Plus, SLE is a long-term autoimmune disorder that may affect the skin, joints, kidneys, brain, and other organs. The body's immune system mistakenly attacks healthy tissue, which leads to long-term inflammation. But until today, the underlying cause of autoimmune diseases is not fully known. SLE is much more common in women than men. It may occur at any age, but appears most often in people between the ages of 10 and 50.

          Symptoms vary from person to person, and may come and go. Almost everyone with SLE has joint pain and swelling. Some develop arthritis. Frequently affected joints are the fingers, hands, wrists, and knees. Other common symptoms include: chest pain when taking a deep breath, fatigue, fever with no other cause, general discomfort, uneasiness or malaise, hair loss, mouth sores, swollen lymph nodes, sensitivity to sunlight, and skin rash -- a "butterfly" rash over the cheeks and bridge of the nose affects about half of people with SLE. The rash gets worse in sunlight. The rash may also be widespread.

A butterfly rash looks something like this.

(Photo taken from the Internet)


Skin rash appears commonly in the hands. They sometimes itch, but they hurt like sunburn.
(Photo taken from the Internet)

There are also times that my eyes gets red for no reason. They're known as eye rash.
(Photo taken from the Internet)

          What hurts the most is that there is no cure for SLE. And like cancer, it's a chronic illness. You get by with it. You grow old with it. The only way to get through it is to accept the fact that eventually, you'll have to leave this happy, awful but wonderful, and unfair place called earth. And to tell the truth, my biggest fear is... death.

          I have experienced being bedridden for one whole week, completely depending on the support of the people taking care of me, my parents and my older brother. I was a useless, paralyzed body dumped in a bed of hopelessness and frailty. A good for nothing. I can't move any part of my body for every flinch I make would be equivalent to a thousand syringe shots. Going to the bathroom was even worse. It's like taking a walk into hell. Every step of the way was more painful than the last one

          To reduce the pain, my doctor gave me medicines. Tons of them. The goal of treatment is to control symptoms. As of now, i think i'm having 7 kinds of drugs, all to be taken on a specific time daily. Imagine how high I can be. Hahaha. =)) Kidding. But I don't get overdosed with these stuff. I just get side effects like a swollen face, which i hate the most because my face gets all round and chubby, and a difficulty in getting enough sleep. Insomnia. I get that all the time.

          What's good about these meds is that they do change, depending on the results of my laboratory tests. Whenever I have my check-up, which happens every three months, my doctor would study my results and decide whether to increase or decrease drug dosages and/or add or lessen the amount of intakes. She would always ask how am I doing or if I'm still attending school. Because according to her, people with SLE must avoid stress and tiredness. They are big NO-NOs. I must get complete rest and sleep whenever possible, or else my illness would trigger.

          Sometimes, it's really hard to follow some of the rules that complicates my illness. One of these is the fact that I still go to school. There was a time when my parents asked me if I would still continue my studies despite the fact that there will be limits and changes that I have to consider. Without hesitation, I answered them with a YES. Of course, I would want to finish school. I want to have a degree. I want to pursue my chosen career. I want to earn and save and spend and share the fruits of my labor. It's the only thing I can hold on to and give back to my parents in exchange for the sacrifices they did for me. I want them to be happy.

          As of now, my illness is at ease. The symptoms are physically absent. But from time to time, there would be hints of small red spots, rashes on my face and sudden joint pains. But they're all bearable. All is good. All I need is some rest and a pain reliever to make sure everything will be okay.

          For some people, this illness of mine is no longer new to them. I have told some of my relatives and close friends about it. They were pretty sad, but very supportive and encouraging in some way. My friends would sometimes make fun of me saying I'm a modern-day vampire. Haha. =)) But it doesn't get into me. I'm even happier because they still accept me despite my condition. There was also a time when I forgot my umbrella and it was such a hot, sunny day. (FYI: One thing that I should always have with me is my umbrella. As much as possible, I should not expose myself to sunlight or else... I might transform into a bat. Hahaha. =)) Joking.) What my friends did is that they opened all their umbrellas for me. And I was like an instant princess along with my minions covering for me. I truly love my friends. They are for keeps. :)

          That one question I asked myself before, (Let me refresh you... WHY ME?) it longer crosses my mind. Because now, I definitely know the answer. Instead of interpreting it as a curse, I might as well accept it as blessing. God has chosen me to be in this position. I don't know exactly why, but I'm sure He has an OH-SO-GREAT plan for me. :) Sometimes I would say to myself, maybe the reason why He gave me this is because He knows I'm strong enough to take it and there would be no other person perfect for it. I am so glad that He made me realize how beautiful life is no matter how many problems, changes and challenges gets thrown at you. He gave me more reasons to smile, more things to be thankful for, a family to keep, more friends to treasure and a bestfriend to stay with me until the end. :)

There will always be a reason to smile. :)

(Photo taken on May 7, 2013)

I have always loved this quote from the book "The Fault In Our Stars" by John Green. :)

Almost everyone is obsessed with leaving a mark upon the world. Bequeathing a legacy. Outlasting death. We all want to be remembered. I do, too. That‘s what bothers me most, is being another unremembered casualty in the ancient and inglorious war against disease. I want to leave a mark.

And whenever I stumble upon these thoughts, I would just listen to this song.
Listen here. :)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5sgjHlF84Yc

If the mind keeps thinking you've had enough.

But the heart keeps telling you "don’t give up".

Who are we to be questioning, wondering what is what?

Don’t give up, through it all, just stand up. 

And this is how I intend to live starting today. :) <3

She's a Keeper

This is how you lose her.

          You lose her when you forget to remember the little things that mean the world to her: the sincerity in a stranger’s voice during a trip to the grocery, the delight of finding something lost or forgotten like a sticker from when she was five, the selflessness of a child giving a part of his meal to another, the scent of new books in the store, the surprise short but honest notes she tucks in her journal and others you could only see if you look closely. 

You must remember when she forgets. 

          You lose her when you don’t notice that she notices everything about you: your use of the proper punctuation that tells her continuation rather than finality, your silence when you’re about to ask a question but you think anything you’re about to say to her would be silly, your mindless humming when it is too quiet, your handwriting when you sign your name in blank sheets of paper, your muted laughter when you are trying to be polite, and more and more of what you are, which you don’t even know about yourself, because she pays attention. 

She remembers when you forget. 

          You lose her for every second you make her feel less and less of the beauty that she is. When you make her feel that she is replaceable. She wants to feel cherished. When you make her feel that you are fleeting. She wants you to stay. When you make her feel inadequate. She wants to know that she is enough and she does not need to change for you, nor for anyone else because she is she and she is beautiful, kind and good.

You must learn her. 

          You must know the reason why she is silent. You must trace her weakest spots. You must write to her. You must remind her that you are there. You must know how long it takes for her to give up. You must be there to hold her when she is about to. 

You must love her because many have tried and failed. And she wants to know that she is worthy to be loved, that she is worthy to be kept.

And, this is how you keep her.