Through It All Just Stand Up

          It's been a year and so since I was diagnosed with an illness. Normally, I don't feel comfortable whenever I talk about this. But I guess, the reason why i'm writing this now is the thought that eventually, everyone will know.

          It was on the 28th day of January, year 2012, when the results came out. Yeah... My 20th birthday. Surprise! What a great way of celebrating and embracing the breakthrough of my teenage years. It was just so heartbreaking to hear everything straight from my doctor. And while all the information are thrown right into my face, one question was all I can think about... WHY ME?

          So before anything else, let me tell you a brief background of what caused all this drama. SLE or Systemic Lupus Erythematosus hit me like a big yellow school bus. Okay... Maybe I'm being too exaggerated there, but that would be a good analogy to express what I felt the moment I knew.

          Out of curiosity and frustration, I kinda made some research about it. Thanks to modern technology and Google, it became easier to absorb and understand everything. According to Medline Plus, SLE is a long-term autoimmune disorder that may affect the skin, joints, kidneys, brain, and other organs. The body's immune system mistakenly attacks healthy tissue, which leads to long-term inflammation. But until today, the underlying cause of autoimmune diseases is not fully known. SLE is much more common in women than men. It may occur at any age, but appears most often in people between the ages of 10 and 50.

          Symptoms vary from person to person, and may come and go. Almost everyone with SLE has joint pain and swelling. Some develop arthritis. Frequently affected joints are the fingers, hands, wrists, and knees. Other common symptoms include: chest pain when taking a deep breath, fatigue, fever with no other cause, general discomfort, uneasiness or malaise, hair loss, mouth sores, swollen lymph nodes, sensitivity to sunlight, and skin rash -- a "butterfly" rash over the cheeks and bridge of the nose affects about half of people with SLE. The rash gets worse in sunlight. The rash may also be widespread.

A butterfly rash looks something like this.

(Photo taken from the Internet)


Skin rash appears commonly in the hands. They sometimes itch, but they hurt like sunburn.
(Photo taken from the Internet)

There are also times that my eyes gets red for no reason. They're known as eye rash.
(Photo taken from the Internet)

          What hurts the most is that there is no cure for SLE. And like cancer, it's a chronic illness. You get by with it. You grow old with it. The only way to get through it is to accept the fact that eventually, you'll have to leave this happy, awful but wonderful, and unfair place called earth. And to tell the truth, my biggest fear is... death.

          I have experienced being bedridden for one whole week, completely depending on the support of the people taking care of me, my parents and my older brother. I was a useless, paralyzed body dumped in a bed of hopelessness and frailty. A good for nothing. I can't move any part of my body for every flinch I make would be equivalent to a thousand syringe shots. Going to the bathroom was even worse. It's like taking a walk into hell. Every step of the way was more painful than the last one

          To reduce the pain, my doctor gave me medicines. Tons of them. The goal of treatment is to control symptoms. As of now, i think i'm having 7 kinds of drugs, all to be taken on a specific time daily. Imagine how high I can be. Hahaha. =)) Kidding. But I don't get overdosed with these stuff. I just get side effects like a swollen face, which i hate the most because my face gets all round and chubby, and a difficulty in getting enough sleep. Insomnia. I get that all the time.

          What's good about these meds is that they do change, depending on the results of my laboratory tests. Whenever I have my check-up, which happens every three months, my doctor would study my results and decide whether to increase or decrease drug dosages and/or add or lessen the amount of intakes. She would always ask how am I doing or if I'm still attending school. Because according to her, people with SLE must avoid stress and tiredness. They are big NO-NOs. I must get complete rest and sleep whenever possible, or else my illness would trigger.

          Sometimes, it's really hard to follow some of the rules that complicates my illness. One of these is the fact that I still go to school. There was a time when my parents asked me if I would still continue my studies despite the fact that there will be limits and changes that I have to consider. Without hesitation, I answered them with a YES. Of course, I would want to finish school. I want to have a degree. I want to pursue my chosen career. I want to earn and save and spend and share the fruits of my labor. It's the only thing I can hold on to and give back to my parents in exchange for the sacrifices they did for me. I want them to be happy.

          As of now, my illness is at ease. The symptoms are physically absent. But from time to time, there would be hints of small red spots, rashes on my face and sudden joint pains. But they're all bearable. All is good. All I need is some rest and a pain reliever to make sure everything will be okay.

          For some people, this illness of mine is no longer new to them. I have told some of my relatives and close friends about it. They were pretty sad, but very supportive and encouraging in some way. My friends would sometimes make fun of me saying I'm a modern-day vampire. Haha. =)) But it doesn't get into me. I'm even happier because they still accept me despite my condition. There was also a time when I forgot my umbrella and it was such a hot, sunny day. (FYI: One thing that I should always have with me is my umbrella. As much as possible, I should not expose myself to sunlight or else... I might transform into a bat. Hahaha. =)) Joking.) What my friends did is that they opened all their umbrellas for me. And I was like an instant princess along with my minions covering for me. I truly love my friends. They are for keeps. :)

          That one question I asked myself before, (Let me refresh you... WHY ME?) it longer crosses my mind. Because now, I definitely know the answer. Instead of interpreting it as a curse, I might as well accept it as blessing. God has chosen me to be in this position. I don't know exactly why, but I'm sure He has an OH-SO-GREAT plan for me. :) Sometimes I would say to myself, maybe the reason why He gave me this is because He knows I'm strong enough to take it and there would be no other person perfect for it. I am so glad that He made me realize how beautiful life is no matter how many problems, changes and challenges gets thrown at you. He gave me more reasons to smile, more things to be thankful for, a family to keep, more friends to treasure and a bestfriend to stay with me until the end. :)

There will always be a reason to smile. :)

(Photo taken on May 7, 2013)

I have always loved this quote from the book "The Fault In Our Stars" by John Green. :)

Almost everyone is obsessed with leaving a mark upon the world. Bequeathing a legacy. Outlasting death. We all want to be remembered. I do, too. That‘s what bothers me most, is being another unremembered casualty in the ancient and inglorious war against disease. I want to leave a mark.

And whenever I stumble upon these thoughts, I would just listen to this song.
Listen here. :)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5sgjHlF84Yc

If the mind keeps thinking you've had enough.

But the heart keeps telling you "don’t give up".

Who are we to be questioning, wondering what is what?

Don’t give up, through it all, just stand up. 

And this is how I intend to live starting today. :) <3

She's a Keeper

This is how you lose her.

          You lose her when you forget to remember the little things that mean the world to her: the sincerity in a stranger’s voice during a trip to the grocery, the delight of finding something lost or forgotten like a sticker from when she was five, the selflessness of a child giving a part of his meal to another, the scent of new books in the store, the surprise short but honest notes she tucks in her journal and others you could only see if you look closely. 

You must remember when she forgets. 

          You lose her when you don’t notice that she notices everything about you: your use of the proper punctuation that tells her continuation rather than finality, your silence when you’re about to ask a question but you think anything you’re about to say to her would be silly, your mindless humming when it is too quiet, your handwriting when you sign your name in blank sheets of paper, your muted laughter when you are trying to be polite, and more and more of what you are, which you don’t even know about yourself, because she pays attention. 

She remembers when you forget. 

          You lose her for every second you make her feel less and less of the beauty that she is. When you make her feel that she is replaceable. She wants to feel cherished. When you make her feel that you are fleeting. She wants you to stay. When you make her feel inadequate. She wants to know that she is enough and she does not need to change for you, nor for anyone else because she is she and she is beautiful, kind and good.

You must learn her. 

          You must know the reason why she is silent. You must trace her weakest spots. You must write to her. You must remind her that you are there. You must know how long it takes for her to give up. You must be there to hold her when she is about to. 

You must love her because many have tried and failed. And she wants to know that she is worthy to be loved, that she is worthy to be kept.

And, this is how you keep her.

I'll Write You a Love Song

Date a girl who writes.

          Date a girl who may never wear completely clean clothes, because of coffee stains and ink spills. She’ll have many problems with her closet space, and her laptop is never boring because there are so many words, so many worlds that she’s cluttered amidst the space. Tabs open filled with obscure and popular music. Interesting factoids about Catherine the Great, and the immortality of jellyfish. Laugh it off when she tells you that she forgot to clean her room, that her clothes are lost among the binders so it’ll take her longer to get ready, that her shoes hidden under the mountain of broken Bic pens and the refurbished laptop that she’s saved for ever since she was twelve. 

Kiss her under the lamppost, when it’s raining. Tell her your definition of love.

          Find a girl who writes. You’ll know that she has a sense of humor, a sense of empathy and kindness, and that she will dream up worlds, universes for you. She’s the one with the faintest of shadows underneath her eyelids, the one who smells of coffee and Coca-cola and jasmine green tea. You see that girl hunched over a notebook. That’s the writer. With her fingers occasionally smudged with charcoal, with ink that will travel onto your hands when you interlock your fingers with her’s. She will never stop, churning out adventures, of traitors and heroes. Darkness and light. Fear and love. That’s the writer. She can never resist filling a blank page with words, whatever the color of the page is.

          She’s the girl reading while waiting for her coffee and tea. She’s the quiet girl with her music turned up loud (or impossibly quiet), separating the two of you by an ocean of crescendos and decrescendos as she’s thinking of the perfect words. If you take a peek at her cup, the tea or coffee’s already cold. She’s already forgotten it.

Use a pick-up line with her if she doesn’t look to busy.

          If she raises her head, offer to buy her another cup of coffee. Or of tea. She’ll repay you with stories. If she closes her laptop, give her your critique of Tolstoy, and your best theories of Hannibal and the Crossing. Tell her your characters, your dreams, and ask if she gotten through her first novel.

          It is hard to date a girl who writes. But be patient with her. Give her books for her birthday, pretty notebooks for Christmas and for anniversaries, moleskins and bookmarks and many, many books. Give her the gift of words, for writers are talkative people, and they are verbose in their thanks. Let her know that you’re behind her every step of the way, for the lines between fiction and reality are fluid.

She’ll give you a chance.

          Don’t lie to her. She’ll understand the syntax behind your words. She’ll be disappointed by your lies, but a girl who writes will understand. She’ll understand that sometimes even the greatest heroes fail, and that happy endings take time, both in fiction and reality. She’s realistic. A girl who writes isn’t impatient; she will understand your flaws. She will cherish them, because a girl who writes will understand plot. She’ll understand that endings happen for better or for worst.

          A girl who writes will not expect perfection from you. Her narratives are rich, her characters are multifaceted because of interesting flaws. She’ll understand that a good book does not have perfect characters; villains and tragic flaws are the salt of books. She’ll understand trouble, because it spices up her story. No author wants an invincible hero; the girl who writes will understand that you are only human.

Be her compatriot, be her darling, her love, her dream, her world.

          If you find a girl who writes, keep her close. If you find her at two AM, typing furiously, the neon gaze of the light illuminating her furrowed forehead, place a blanket gently on her so that she does not catch a chill. Make her a pot of tea, and sit with her. You may lose her to her world for a few moments, but she will come back to you, brimming with treasure. You will believe in her every single time, the two of you illuminated only by the computer screen, but invincible in the darkness.

          She is your Shahrazad. When you are afraid of the dark, she will guide you, her words turning into lanterns, turning into lights and stars and candles that will guide you through your darkest times. She’ll be the one to save you.

          She’ll whisk you away on a hot air balloon, and you will be smitten with her. She’s mischievous, frisky, yet she’s quiet and when she has to kill off a lovely character, when she cries, hold her and tell her that it will be alright.

          You will propose to her. Maybe on a boat in the ocean, maybe in a little cottage in the Appalachian Mountains. Maybe in New York City. Maybe Chicago. Baltimore. Maybe outside her publisher’s office. Because she’s radiant, wherever she goes. Maybe even outside of a cinema where the two of you kiss in the rain. She’ll say that it is overused and clichéd, but the glint in her eyes will tell you that she appreciates it all the same.

          You will smile hard as she talks a mile a second, and your heart will skip a beat when she holds your hand and she will write stories of your lives together. She’ll hold you close and whisper secrets into your ears. She’s lovely, remember that. She’s self made and she’s brilliant. Her names for the children might be terrible, but you’ll be okay with that. A girl who writes will tell your children fantastical stories.

          Because that is the best part about a girl who writes. She has imagination and she has courage, and it will be enough. She’ll save you in the oceans of her dreams, and she’ll be your catharsis and your 11:11. She’ll be your firebird and she’ll be your knight, and she’ll become your world, in the curve of her smile, in the hazel of her eye the half-dimple on her face, the words that are pouring out of her, a torrent, a wave, a crescendo - so many sensations that you will be left breathless by a girl who writes.

Maybe she’s not the best at grammar, but that is okay.

          Date a girl who writes because you deserve it. She’s witty, she’s empathetic, enigmatic at times and she’s lovely. She’s got the most colorful life. She may be living in NYC or she may be living in a small cottage. Date a girl who writes because a girl who writes reads.

          A girl who writes will understand reality. She’ll be infuriating at times, and maybe sometimes you will hate her. Sometimes she will hate you too. But a girl who writes understands human nature, and she will understand that you are weak. She will not leave on the Midnight Train the first moment that things go sour. She will understand that real life isn’t like a story, because while she works in stories, she lives in reality. 

Date a girl who writes. 

Because there is nothing better than a girl who writes.

The Lucky One

          Only once in your life, I truly believe, you find someone who can completely turn your world around. You tell them things that you’ve never actually shared with another soul and they absorb everything you say and actually want to hear more. You share hopes for the future, dreams that will never come true, goals that were never achieved and the many disappointments life has thrown at you. When something wonderful happens, you can’t wait to tell them about it, knowing they will share in your excitement. They are not embarrassed to cry with you when you are hurting, or laugh with you when you make a fool out of yourself. Never do they hurt your feelings or make you feel like you are not good enough, but rather, they build you up and show you the things about yourself that make you special and even beautiful. There is never any pressure, jealousy, or competition, but only a quiet calmness when they are around. You can be yourself and not worry about what they will think of you because they love you for who you are. The things that seem insignificant to most people such as a note, song, or walk become invaluable treasures kept safe in your heart to cherish forever. Memories of your childhood come back and are so clear and vivid, it’s like being young again. Colors seem brighter and more brilliant. Laughter seems part of daily life where, before, it was infrequent, or didn't exist at all. A phone call or two during the day always helps to get you through a long day’s work and always brings a smile to your face. In their presence, there’s no need for continuous conversation, but you find you're quite content in just having them nearby. Things that never interested you before become fascinating because you know they are important to this person who is so special to you. You think of this person on every occasion and in everything you do. Simple things bring them to mind like a pale blue sky, gentle wind, or even a storm cloud on the horizon. You open your heart knowing that there’s a chance it may be broken one day and in opening your heart, you experience a love and joy that you never dreamed possible. You find that being vulnerable is the only way to allow your heart to feel true pleasure that’s so real it scares you. You find strength in knowing you have a true friend and possibly a soulmate who will remain loyal until the end. Life seems completely different, exciting and worthwhile. Your only hope and security is in knowing that they are a part of your life.